Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.