Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry