“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
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Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
☺️
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I hate my earbuds.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.