you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.