Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

A great first step 😂

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

Good for him.

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

favorite tropes as memes

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?