Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?