Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

#MeanwhileinCanada

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces