You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
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Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
That’s what I call a flat tire
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion