Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tried cheese.