You know, being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it.
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Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Why do we only have lifeguards around water? I could use someone keeping an eye on me around escalators.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Geez man, take it easy.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.