you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
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This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’ll be mad as hell!
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.