Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

could’ve been anyone

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.