you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
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[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.