you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
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Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.