You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Carpe DM
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?