You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
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Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.