You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
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Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.