You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.
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ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.