You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what