You know…for fall…
You Might Also Like
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Duck typos.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*