You know…for fall…

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The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.


I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.


I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.


wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years


They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.


“My body wasn’t designed for this.”

– me, getting out of bed


*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*


Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –



[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it


How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use



I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.