You know…for fall…
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fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Still my favourite meme.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.