The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“My body wasn’t designed for this.”
– me, getting out of bed
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]
ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?
LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.