You know…for fall…
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My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
found my next D&D character name
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.