Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”

“No.”

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.