You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
You Might Also Like
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Terribly Tuesday.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”