You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Ferrari squats
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
This is hilarious….
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him