You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.