@OhNoSheTwitnt

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

You Might Also Like

@Taryn_

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

@TheDeadfishSays

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

@DranoRaul

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

@geowizzacist

My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.

Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.

3: That’s because I flushed.

@KeetPotato

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

@MomOfTeen

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

@juliussharpe

The ending of “Romeo and Juliet” is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married.

@mommajessiec

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

@pilau

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven