The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me: For who them bells toll…
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.
Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.
3: That’s because I flushed.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
The ending of “Romeo and Juliet” is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married.
Husband: Let’s role play.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven