@OhNoSheTwitnt

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

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@RorynotRoy

Give a man a compliment & he’ll be all, “Yeah, I’ve been working out.” Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he’ll be all, “I feel SO fat.”

@DaddyJew

How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.

@sonictyrant

If you play any Radiohead song backwards it gives you the directions to a hip little sushi place in New York.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”TayTayJustine”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3464513650/8434f29ff782c7cf7b8a53156d6198f0_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”324575973150453761″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”62″;s:5:”tweet”;s:139:”Shouldn’t’ve left me alone w/your no-eyebrow-havin baby.

*Pulls out Sharpie*
*Squiggles on a surprised look*

See! She’s happy to see you.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@ddsmidt

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

@RidiculousSheri

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[date]

W: I’m really into astronomy.
M: Oh! What’s your sign?
W: The one that knows the difference between science & superstitious idiocy.

@michaelianblack

Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.

@OfHella

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.