Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.