Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

When the stylist spins you back around

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.