Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

My time has come.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is