Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

Yes

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

is it earth