You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”