Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

You’re never alone. Theres mold

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.