You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
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Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
The biggest mystery of our time
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.