You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
