You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
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2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
United Steaks of America
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives