You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
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DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
In Canada they just call them geese
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.