[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Oh no
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.