You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.