You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.