You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My background check bounced.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.