You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for