Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Name another movie that mislead you?

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

sailors wish they could swear like me

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it