You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :