You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie