You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
is this meant to deter me
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
*puts cutlery down*
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
