Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

plant them where lol

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

That was easy.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”