Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x