Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

I think the cat got the dog high.

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant