You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy