You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
SONOFA
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.