You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
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i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Well, my evening plans are ruined
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.