you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
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I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Gemma Correll
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?