you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
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interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I have never related to anyone more.
This is hilarious
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.