You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
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Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My fantasy football season is going great
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Called it
