You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Grandmother clock.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident