Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

This line from Airplane.

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird