“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
You Might Also Like
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
