“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
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My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Anime is real
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.