You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
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My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Put this video in the Louvre
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.