You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
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I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.