You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
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“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I need better friends
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
accidentally got decaf coffee beans or as my wife calls them, “grounds for divorce”
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.