You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
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I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
