“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
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PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.