Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]