Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

your honor my client chooses dare

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.