Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

do u think theres a butter planet?

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?