Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

i will not be silenced

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

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