Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

If you know, you know 😂🚔

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE