Mom: Why didn’t you answer your phone?
M: I was in a lecture.
Mom: Where are you now?
M: Walking the dog.
Mom: You need better excuses.
M: It’s the truth.
Mom: Then put the dog on.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
ME Okay, forget about it then
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.