my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
You Might Also Like
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Emailing teachers be like
Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*
Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Ambien before beer, nothing tur fleer, beer befra Ambien, sam sumber sambien