You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

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don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form


MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger


My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard


M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you


Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.


The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself


My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”


Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*