@perlhack
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
@CVTBaby
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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@perlhack
@Rica_Bee
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
@awkwardwit
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
@tonygootana
16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.
@jonnysun
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
@sageboggs
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
@DopeyMeme
Emailing teachers be like
Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*
Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone
@panmidwest
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
@fatherofcomedy
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
@mollzbenn
Ambien before beer, nothing tur fleer, beer befra Ambien, sam sumber sambien