You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.